a personal post

One thing that I try to do is always listen to Christian music on Sundays. My mom used to make me do that when I was a kid, and I've sort of stretched it into my adulthood. Not always, but I make a conscious effort.

So, I went to church this morning, for the first time in months. Although I know that the Bible is very clear on one's necessity to be involved in a body of believers, of late I have found my spirituality being too personal for me to go to church. At any rate, going to church every Sunday I am home is on my new list of steps I am taking to pull myself back to my desired lifestyle. There will be more steps revealed in future posts.

On the way to church this morning, I heard "Clean Am I," - a song by Caedmon's Call that Sandy and I used to sing a lot in school. It's a very simple song, and the lyrics are as follows:

Clean am I before my Lord
Washed am I in his cleansing word
Though sin talons at my face
Though my lips breath curse and praise
Though verse of doubt I've too oft writ
The eyes of forgiveness see none of it

Clean am I before my Lord
Saved am I from doomsday's sword
Though thy love I've scarcely shown
Though I've wept when the cock hath crowed
Though stumbled have I in miry's pit
The pierced Savior's hand it washes it

Clean am I before my Lord
Mortality's river I shall ford
Drink will I of angel's food
Take hold the redemption of the rood
And drink the blood shed to remit
The sins of my soul, he sees none of it

Clean am I before my Lord
Washed am I in his cleansing word
Clean am I before my Lord
Saved am I from doomsday's sword
Clean am I before my Lord
Mortality's river I shall ford

Clean am I before my Lord
Clean am I before my Lord

If you haven't known me that long, an important piece of my puzzle is that the two great loves of my life have both been ministers. Two of my most intimate relationships. I have always had it in the back of my heart that I desire to marry a truly Godly man, and I have always had it in the back of my head that I am too "worldly" (read: flawed/damaged) to have one.

"Clean Am I" was the perfect song for me to hear this morning, Palm Sunday, on the way to hear Neil talk about the triumphal entry , the coming Easter, and the cleansing power of our risen Jesus: the real reason I don't feel like going to church is because I know I am dirty and being there forces me to examine that.

I had a jarring and quieting reminder this morning. A simple song that states very clearly that I am always welcome to Jesus. I always go to him clean. He obliterates my sins. I tend to get wrapped up in the intellectual side of my faith, and I need to be constantly reminded that grace is the most basic principle in the world. Clean am I before my Lord. Clean am I before my Lord. Clean am I before my Lord.