Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Show me that smile again.

A girl that I know, a friend of a friend, has a really awesome blog called Naked. She is striving to be naked in front of God and the people closest to her, to strip her life of the show we all put on to make ourselves feel (and look) better. I hope she doesn't mind my mentioning her. Since I don't know her very well, I won't link her. But I think she's done an extremely admirable job, and as someone who most often uses my blog to tell humorous, superficial stories, I'd like to be more like her.

I know a lot of people read this blog... some who know me very well and some who don't know me very well. I try to not get too personal for obvious reasons. I know I fail sometimes. But I also use this blog as an outlet and a way to communicate with my friends, and sometimes "not getting too personal" translates into "not being quite honest." I want to share with those closest to me what is going on inside of me... especially since I have not discussed it with most of you. That being said, this is as much for me as you, so if you don't know what to say, you don't have to.

Recently, a very dear friend of mine let me down. I know I've let my friends down, too. We all make mistakes. I'd like to say that I have made more than my share. But I try to be honest and I try to be a good friend. I have indeed failed. This person failed. This friend was not honest with me, which is such a slap in the face to our friendship. There are links in my life to this person and I am continuing, practically daily, to find other lies and cover-ups and flat-out deceit. Nothing hurts me worse than thinking our entire relationship was fraudulent. I have often been guilty of saying things that makes me feel better about what's going on... even until I believe it myself. So I don't blame anyone for that. But a flat-out LIE... just to feel better, just to look better, just to escape dealing with a situation that nobody would want to deal with... it hurts me. It hurts me that a person could treat my feelings so cavalierly, especially someone who knows me. It hurts me to think that I could possibly have been a horrible judge of character. It hurts me that every time I think I'm doing well, something happens that hurts me all over again. It hurts me that I continue to let it hurt me. These things haunt me. But it turns out I am not made of steel, as I once thought.

My friends are extremely important to me: my old friends and my new friends. My old friends like Sandy and Amy that have never let distance or time come between us, and no matter how long it is between pow-wows or even fights, will always be there if I need them. My new friends like Krysten, who hosted me this weekend and I will blog about soon and very soon.

This is what is going on inside my heart. I can deal with being hurt. I'm mending just fine and I am happy to move on. I wish things had been handled differently but I only have jurisdiction over myself. I am a generally cheerful person and it's really hard for me to hold grudges. Things always work out and I have absolutely no doubt they will do so again. Don't ask me to elaborate on this. I've already said more than 95% of you know. I hope no one minds the open rawness of what has been said... and just know it's what inside my head and heart and that I appreciate everyone's support and prayers.

I'm looking forward to, in just a couple of weeks, being near my support system of good people. People that I've let down, and have let me down, but continue to love me and support me when I'm up and when I'm down. Back to my church! These past several months of my being away (we will heretofor refer to my 8 months in Columbus as "the dark period") have been extremely hard on me for many reasons, but the main of which was my separation from my friends. God has asked me to lean on Him. It's been lonely. Necessary. Beautiful. I know he works through every one of you... so I can't wait to be back in that embrace.

Here's a little excerpt of the life with one of my favorite friends. One who's let me down, and who I've let down, but has been beside me since I was 17 years old. Thanks, Ev! I miss you!!


Blogger krysten said...

my favorite part is when there's no more words and you guys are just doing hand motions and hugging each other, lol!!

January 24, 2006 10:06 AM  
Blogger Dannybrou said...

I love you Jamie. I know you already know that.

You have ALWAYS been one of my favorite people.

Thank God we didn't have a video camera during "Wind beneath my Wings"....thank god.

January 24, 2006 12:31 PM  
Blogger MyUtopia said...

LOL, thanks for the video. I needed a laugh today.

January 24, 2006 1:10 PM  
Blogger Giovanna said...

I can't wait to see you and Ev this Feb!

Great post honey. I am sending a virtual hug.

January 24, 2006 4:31 PM  
Anonymous Christalee said...

Oh my God, you're seriously one of my favourite people in the world. Apparently J. Hawks are damn brilliant people. *hugs*

January 24, 2006 7:57 PM  
Blogger delicious_dish said...


I watched this like an HOUR ago and am still singing that stupid song.

I hope your happy.

January 25, 2006 9:54 AM  
Anonymous it's me, evan! said...

Dear bugs,
This will bring tears to my eyes until the day I die. Tears of hilarity, of course. I love Jamie so very much and miss my favorite New York roomate (which was her).


January 25, 2006 3:51 PM  

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