Monday, May 29, 2006

"I hate Mondays but they always come around eventually."

Happy Memorial Day. I've been observing the inside of my eyelids for about 10 hours now, which as you know, is very unlike me. Truth is, I'm a little blue. I never know who's reading my blog - a cursory glance to my statcounter reveals more strangers than friends - but lately I feel like my blog has been extraordinarily superficial: a meme here, a tv discussion there, a movie review here, a funny story there. That to say, when I need to talk something out, this is not a place where I usually do it, and maybe it should be. I mean, what's the point, really, of having this thing if not to WRITE in it, and actually communicate with people?

Blah blah blah, she blathers. So, what's going on in my life:

I got dropped from my online psychology class because I didn't pay by the due date. First clue maybe trying to go to school while holding down a full-time job might be precarious? Perhaps. Of course it is full now so I keep checking every day to see if someone drops but if I can't get in, that means I will need three classes in the fall. That will be 10 hours, all while working full-time. I'm not sure if I can do it. I really want to apply to nursing school in October (to start in May) but I'm not sure they're going to take me - they only take 20 a year and they'll have to not only take my word for it that I'll finish my prereqs but take my word for it that I'll make good grades. I'm stressed about it, because I don't want to put my 3-year plan on hold for another year. If I do have to put it on hold for another year, then I'm not sure I can keep my current job until May 2008. I like it but it's starting to wear on me. And if I don't keep it, I'm not sure what else I would do. I'm not sure I could go back to being a 9-to-5-er. I'm all over the board on this one.

Next issue: I've been "dating" a couple of guys for a few weeks. One who I like, but I'm not sure is going to work out, and one who could probably work out if I wanted it to, but I don't really like. Spare me the psycho-analysis; trust me, I am aware. Anyway, Saturday night was kind of a big deal for me and one of them, and I haven't been out of my pajamas since. Not necessarily because I'm SAD... but more because I'm pensive and I'm racking my brain and I can't think about anything else. Even eating is an inconvenience for me right now. I'm trying desperately to think about how he is feeling, as a) I'm not sure he's thinking about how I am feeling, and b) I'm pretty sure collective not thinking about how the other person is feeling might have been the downfall of every important relationship in my life. But I'm not sure I'm doing a very good job. (What? Jamie, not good at relationships? Surely you jest!) Not even the magic 8-ball is guiding me today.

I came to the realization that what I really wanted yesterday is a friend - I know I have plenty of very good friends online I could chat with (and did, thanks to you over on the east coast!), and I have plenty of very good friends just a phone call away I could talk to (and did, thanks to you over on the west coast!) , but a real-life flesh & blood friend to come over and suss it out with me and tell me everything is going to be OK. But those days- the college days your 5 best friends were within walking distance of your bedroom, the days that you didn't have to tell someone an hour-long story just to get them up to speed because they already knew everything that was going on in your life, the days of free time and overly-dramatic emotional trauma- those days are over. I'm not only perfectly capable of taking care of myself... I kinda have to.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining or woe-is-me-ing or fishing for someone to show up at my doorstep with ice cream and cookies. I'm merely providing commentary on the paths of life and the tricks of growing up. I've always prided myself on being a strong person- these are the times to put it into action. I KNOW everything is going to be OK. That's just the way I roll.


Blogger Brain Diva said...

I hear your comment, J. I can do all these things by myself too, and I do, but sometimes, I wish I didn't have to. Being independent is not always all it is cracked up to be!

May 29, 2006 10:02 AM  
Blogger Giovanna said...

but a real-life flesh & blood friend to come over and suss it out with me and tell me everything is going to be OK.

I know exactly how you feel. I hated when that realization hit too, and it took me a long time to figure out how to fix it, because it is something I always wanted.

I'm pretty sure collective not thinking about how the other person is feeling might have been the downfall of every important relationship in my life.

You know what? 1)this takes two, and 2) it's a very hard thing that only comes with maturity and communication, imho. Not that that helps at all...

Hang in J. If you want to talk to the woman who's been through enough therapy to write her own book you know where to call. LOL

May 29, 2006 10:54 AM  
Anonymous Kiddo said...

I don't really have anything to say that might even in the slightest bit help and online "hugs" only go so far but I wanted you to know that I'm thinking bout and loving you.

May 29, 2006 12:18 PM  
Blogger krysten said...

i'm not an east-coaster OR a west-coaster...but i DO have a psych degree....maybe this is why i didnt get a call?

well, i know you have plenty of folks who love and care about you, and all of them i'm sure are on your side and can give you all the encouragement and advice you can handle...but if you need another, you know the digits. :)

although unfortunately you'd have to spend an hour catching me up on your life, haha!

May 29, 2006 5:25 PM  

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