I have this weird thing where one of my ribs "pops out" ever so often. That sounds fucking absurd, right? The second time it happened, my generous friend Sonya who is also a massage therapist came over to help me out, and after feeling my back, told me that's what she thought it was. I promptly forgot that statement because of the pain and also because THAT SOUNDS FUCKING ABSURD and a week later, still in pain, I went to the chiropractor who said, "it seems like you've popped a rib out" and I was like ... oh, so that's really a thing?!? Sincere apologies to my smart and capable friend who I doubted even though she's an expert in her field and I am .... not. SO anyway, here I am in excruciating pain. Meandering between foam rollers and ice packs and muscle relaxers.
I am not an idle person. I have never been one to sit around and watch TV all day. I just don't do it. No judgment -- I like the idea of it and I try it sometimes but after like 3-4 hours I just cannot. I NEED TO MOVE. But oh yeah, even if it didn't currently hurt to take a deep breath, we're still sheltering in place because there's a global pandemic going on. And most of Northern California is on fire because of the raging wildfires due to the drought and the freak lightning storm so the air quality is terrible even if it wasn't for the pain and the pandemic. I really don't have a lot of options here. I can't really work out. I can't go outside. Why am I being a brat? I love reading and crossword puzzles and movies and day-drinking so why can't I just lean in and do this? God I'm such a whiny bitch.
I have a close friend who I rarely altercate with. (Awkward grammar; YKWIM.) Lately we have just... not clicked. I feel like I rarely understand what she is saying, and rarely think she is getting what I'm trying to say. When I try and reach out for chitchat it feels forced. We don't have a lot of overlapping interests/hobbies so it's not like we can just fall back into a safe space of discussing X for hours. Maybe we shouldn't fall back into a safe space? Maybe we should stretch into a different space? Why shrink when we could grow? I'm humble enough to not blame this on either of us or her. It happens. It happens with family and it happens with partners and it happens with close friends. The difference is the platonic friendship. With your family you can get as over it as you want and still fall back on the "welp, they're family" cushion (if you want to... I know that's not a choice or desire for everyone). With lovers you can demand an intention. With friends it's different. You don't ask a friend, "do you want to be friends forever or am I just a fling?"* You just have to navigate the relationship assuming or hoping you both want the same outcome. That's kinda wack when you think about how important your friends are.
*Britt actually tells me she wants to be friends forever. I should remember to thank her for that. She is so special. Vanessa tells me not to edit while journaling. I do it anyway but I'm and will leave in this rando self-reminder in her honor. She's so special too, in a completely opposite way.
I'm stoned on muscle relaxers. The house is heating up. It smells like a campfire. Are there really more sirens these days? Or am I just now noticing? How did we get here*, as a planet?
*Stuck inside during a pandemic reading a near constant stream of fake news from all sides to gear up for one of the most dramatic Presidential races in history while outside is burning because of climate change-induced drought and unprecedented August lighting storms. And let's not even get started on the systemic racism. Feels too big to tackle. Or the psychological toll being quarantined has on you, your partner, and your relationship. Feels too small to matter. People are dying after all. They're dying here and in Palestine and in Beirut and in China and I'm so, so lucky. So lucky I don't always let myself feel my feelings. Feelings feel indulgent. I'm privileged enough to get to possibly just consider the opportunity that I might do Whole 30 in September. But I'm not giving up my soy creamer. I just can't get by on black coffee.
I'm glad I'm stoned. It helps when reading Facebook. I could really go for a martini and some precedented times.
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