Commonplace Book

I wish I had done this all of quarantine. It may be better in actual written form though. Which honestly isn't a bad idea since I don't want anyone reading this anyway. (Not that anyone would care.)

This is what it looked like all day Wednesday. Today it's back to normal colors, but still thick with ash suspended in fog. AQI is purple.

So, I ordered groceries from GoodEggs. Ordered lunch. Sitting in the same spot I've been sitting for 75% of the last 6 months and 95% of the last 72 hours.

I have, for the last 20 years or so, always secretly worried/wondered if I was a super-high functioning alcoholic. But despite drinking more than usual for the past few months, I quit cold turkey 11 days ago and haven't caved. There's plenty of booze in the house too so WHEW. I sure would like a drink though.

You're not supposed to weigh yourself on Whole 30 but I couldn't resist the temptation. So far down over 6 lbs! Although on September 1st I was 2-3 lbs up from "the new normal" due to a combination of PMS and "eating that thing one last time before we started Whole 30" so maybe only lost 2-3 lbs, which actually sounds more appropriate for 11 days. It's honestly not that hard, just sort of boring and takes time, but I got plenty of that.

I got an extra $600 from EDD yesterday. No note, no explanation. Haven't seen an article on it. Just two additional $300 deposits in addition to my usual award. Not mad about it. Going to buy some more stretchy pants.

Breakfast: cultured cottage cheese, peach, rosemaried almonds

Lunch: chicken cobb, no cheese

Finally fell behind on my NYT crosswords. Never finished Sunday because, well, it was a DAY, and have been behind ever since.

Going to start The Stand today.

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

~T.S. Eliot

Labor Day

 Sometimes it really feels like the world is ending. Or about to turn into one of those post-apocalyptic novels I love to read. Not with a bang but with a whimper.

Yesterday it got to over 90 INSIDE OUR APARTMENT. The air quality was so bad we had to keep the windows shut. Fashioned ourselves a little swamp cooler:

Supposed to have a picnic today with J&L. Not sure if we should be outside in this but also I miss our friends and don't want to grow apart because we keep saying no to things.

Been thinking a lot about comparative stress/suffering. I know we have it better than so many people. But refusing to acknowledge or face my own stuff because others have it worse is not helpful at all. Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. I can't be of help if I'm a wreck. It's a fine line to deal&heal with my comparatively easier situation without becoming a brat but I think it's important to feel my feelings and still be empathetic.

Happy place: husband is listening to D'Angelo and making bacon while I do a crossword puzzle. 

what I've got they used to call the blues

I have been ardently trying to only read female authors of color this year. It was a goal of mine before SIP and global pandemic and #blacklivesmatter and the world generally going to shit in a handbasket. (don't @me) I think it's important for me to support these women AND I think it's important because I can learn from them.

I caved this week and got an audio book by a white man, because it sounded breezy (essays) which were largely read by famous actors, and it was free. I listened to the first two on my walk to grab our lunch - a walk I really didn't want to take for oh so many reasons, but forced myself to for another oh so many)... and returned the book when I got home. 

He was smart and funny, sure, but also entitled and a little mean. Of course I don't think that all men are entitled and a little mean anymore than I think all Leos are self-loving angerballs but the correlation was made in my head and I'm going back to reading women.

Our lunch was a disaster. I won't bore you with the details. I tried to salvage what I could by turning it into another salad. I like to think of myself as a problem solver. Don't get me started on day 4 of Whole 30 but for posterity's sake: I'm more bored than hungry, I have a headache, and I'd probably slap a person for a Tito's on the rocks.

Someone posted an article this week about how popular Les Miserables is, and how people who love the musical would hate those exact same headlines. How did "anti-fascism" become left wing? The right should HATE fascists, because "their freedoms!" right? Also... white people loooooove watching anti-fascist stories. Gladiator. Star Wars. Star Trek. Battlestar. Batman. ANY superhero move. Harry frickin' Potter.

Ohhh, right. White people love antifa stories about white people. They even conveniently shortened it to a word that sounds vaguely ethnic and organized and aggressive. Simply stunning.

What am I doing about it, you may ask? Nothing. Sitting at home self-medicating my own depression, and reading female authors of color.