Sunday, June 19, 2005

Welcome to my Friendster blog.

Hi gang. I've decided to start a Friendster blog. I wasn't feeling the love from Diaryland anymore. And ps> I can't figure out yet how to get that picture of me playing the Jew's Harp off the side. Doh.

I'm sitting in South Florida listening to the daily thunderstorm. It's keeping me from the ocean, but I've always loved the sound of rain. I was craving some time to myself, so I'm holed up in my hotel room with the balcony door open, listening to it storm. I honestly haven't had any detox time in about a month. My nerves are raw; I feel exposed and bare, like I haven't any padding around my soul. I watched it lightning over the ocean a couple of nights ago. I could stare at the ocean for hours. I just get lost in it. Being near the ocean makes me feel so... SMALL. I felt as though I could weep enough to double the sea, and it would still be about a teaspoon.

A friend just gave me a book to read called "Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality." The opening paragraph practically blew me away:

"I once listened to an Indian on television say that God was in the wind and the water, and I wondered at how beautiful that was because it meant that you could swim in Him and have Him brush against your face. I am early in my story, but I believe I will stretch out into eternity, and in heaven I will reflect upon these early days, these days when it seemed God was down a dirt road, walking toward me. Years ago He was a swinging speck in the distance; now He is close enough I can hear His singing. Soon I will see the lines on His face."

I've been alone in a crowd for weeks. You can always get a handle on who you really are when all you do is meet new people. I am starting to understand how incredibly selfish I am. I spend all of my days completely wrapped up in what I want to do with my life, how something someone said made me feel, where I should move. It pains me to realize how I can't seem to make the right decision for fear of it being the wrong one, when what I should be doing is focusing on is something else entirely. I should listen more than I speak; I should feel more than I hurt. My shallowness astounds me.

It's so easy to slide around on your surface in a job like this- introductions are frequent, close friends are few, and solid conversation with someone who loves you is practically non-existant. Friends, true friends, hold up a mirror to your soul and remind you who you really are. When you're with your friends, you should be the best version of yourself and the worst version of yourself all at the same time.


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