back!

 I skipped the last two days! UGH I couldn't even make it a week. 'ts fine, 'ts fine, let's keep going.

Thursday was my birthday. Probably the first birthday ever in my life that I didn't leave the house. JCII made me jook with jammy eggs and chile crunch for breakfast and it was amazing. I did the Thursday NYT crossword and I hate Thursdays, so I went back and did my breezy Tuesday birthday puzzle from 2019. I did a barre class online. I had an adult lunchables plate and several amaretto sours with Ange and then Danael via FaceTime. We ordered Nari for dinner, drank a bottle of bubbles, and watched Keeping the Faith. 

(one time I made four El Diablos for Ed Norton at Nopalito)

A truly excellent day.v

Yesterday my girls gave me a picnic in the park. It was about 90 degrees, which is unheard of and I feel guilty for being born in the hottest month of the year. However outside felt better than inside (no AC) so we set up in the shade and it was lovely and perfect. Stayed out way past dark and drank way too much but boy was it fun. Today will be recoop day because we're doing it again tomorrow with Jason and Barbara and crew.

last day of 43

get up. brush teeth. feed cats. make coffee. do crossword puzzle. make breakfast. clean up. work out. take shower. read. random house project time! check Covid stats. make lunch. clean up. take out trash. zoom with friends. make cocktail. make dinner. clean up. feed cats. watch tv. do puzzle. fall asleep. how can anyone complain about this? oh wait - watch the news. freak out. 

Kamala Harris has been chosen as the VP running mate. I'm on one hand feeling like OBVIOUSLY they will win because hasn't everyone been paying attention for the last 4 years? and simultaneously full of dread that we are fucked because people have decided that it's OK to be terrible. 

San Francisco is serving $200 sushi in igloo-sized plastic bubbles next to homeless people. WTAF y'all.

lunch: huli huli chicken and a salad made of leftovers that make no sense being together.

sometimes journaling is just a bunch of lists

I was wide awake at 7am and now I'm dozing off. JCII thinks I should take a nap. I think that sounds like a bonkers thing for a grown-up to do at 9:45am on a Tuesday. I think I'll make migas instead.

I should work out today. I have errands to run. I need to repot some plants. My baby sister wife is bringing me my favorite sandwich from the Mission. I have huli huli chicken marinating in the fridge for dinner. Going to make it with snap peas. Trying to finalize birthday plans. Just paid my bills. Ouch. I had to contact Amazon about some mustard that came with the seal broken and Liberty of London because my coupon code didn't work. I just ordered a studfinder!

The cats have finally conceded that I'm back from vacation for good and they can hang out with me again. I did the laundry and took the trash out and went to the grocery store. How do people have time to run efficient households AND work a full-time job? Baffling.

Not much to say in the way of coherent thoughts today but I'm trying my best to be in the habit of journaling. Even if it's just a bunch of lists. That's an accurate representation of my life at the very least.

Reading: Big Friendship
Listening: Becoming, by Michelle Obama, "That Tulum Sound" on Spotify
Watching: 30 Rock
Eating: black beans, corn, avocado, tomatoes, chips + eggs + salsa
Cooking: Making a pesto pasta salad for Friday. Looking for a perfect slaw recipe for Sunday. am considering a red cabbage and snap pea thing with sesame oil and yuzu hot sauce
Waiting on: my dream job

Journaling Day Two: Electric Bugaloo

Good Morning, Journal. Karl the Fog is thicc today. It's 55 degrees. I like calling this month Fog-ust. Today is my second day of journaling. Me, to me: Don't edit; just write. Me, back: But it's disjointed and awkward! Me, still: It's just journaling!!

Let's see. What do I want to remember? We re-started our living room project yesterday. Cleaned out 6 grocery bags of books and DVDs/blu-rays and somehow don't have any additional space? Met up with Barbara & Carson for drinks in the Park. Got take-out from Aziza. Watched 30 Rock. I feel like these details are what I will want to remember. It was a pretty good day.

Today is Monday. I submitted my unemployment. It's laundry day. I hate laundry day. It's also Danael & Craig day. I love Danael and Craig day. Then I'm going to attend a virtual book reading at Green Apple with Molly Wizenberg and then I'm going to make chicken & snap peas. Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be. I can do this.

Other random Monday morning thoughts:

• I had a weird dream last night that sort of came true this morning. Seer or self-fulfilling prophetess? Does it matter?
• Filling out a job application and they asked me to list what I do in my non-work time with percentages. Now plagued with the answer. Will anyone be impressed that I spend 10% of my day cheating on the NYT crossword? (Not today though. Mondays I can usually handle.)
• I'm hungry. 
• Even though I'm writing this for myself and know no one else is looking at it, I want to update all the sidebar links. I don't remember anything about html. Is it worth my time? Probably not. But I do have a lot of time these days. 
• I want to write Cuyler's memoirs. Is that shooting for the stars? Maybe we could start with one story at a time. I've read three books of essays this year and I could totally do that. Then you what, pick a theme and string 'em all together? Am I nuts? It sounds so doable.

It's just journaling. See you tomorrow! 

the one in which she decides to start journaling

I've been meaning to start journaling during "these uncertain times." Aren't you sick AF of those words? What do they even mean? But here we are, in these uncertain times, and boy are they uncertain.

I'm using this space because it still exists (thanks, Internet) and don't expect anyone to know it's here or read it. That's OK. I want to remember these uncertain times and with 44 around the corner, I don't remember that much that isn't directly applicable to maintaining life these days. I like typing more than writing - writing hurts my hand :( - remember, I'm old. This will be a place for my thoughts to spill out with little thought of editing.

It's August 9th. We have been in quarantine for 146 days.

WHAT. THE. F&*%.

I have used the word "unprecedented" more in the past 146 days that I have in the last 44 years, all added up. I don't even know how to feel about things because none of this has ever happened before. Oh sure, our president just said out loud on a podium in front of people that a small child in the audience knows more about the economy than a Congress member with a degree in economics. Oh sure, murder hornets. Oh sure, Beirut just exploded. Oh sure, there are a million Chinese muslims being kidnapped into weird slavery factories called "re-education centers." Oh sure, of course someone posted a photo of a crowded high school hallway and got suspended for it.

Remember the time in 8th great I had to wear a pair of gross PE sweatpants under my (very conservative) denim skirt because it didn't touch the floor when I knelt down on my knees? But god forbid we require masks during global pandemic, because "our freedoms!" People are WACK, y'all.

I'm luckier than most. I miss my work and restaurants and movie theaters and not having nose zits from wearing a mask. But my spouse is still working, we have a rent-controlled apartment and health insurance. I've never been bored a day in my life (props, GenX). I've done all the NYT crosswords for 2020, 2019, and I'm now working on 2018. I cook. I clean. I start projects that I sometimes finish. I drink too much. I zoom zoom zoom around the room room. I walk. I do yoga. I read. I watch movies. This is not a bad life. In fact I kinda like it. Oh wait, here comes the existential doom.

What happens in the fall when the time changes and it's cold and wet and dark and I can't spend all afternoon in the sunshine? I'm legit worried about depression. Do I get to worry about depression when others are worried about childcare, paying rent, food, schooling, sickness, and death? I guess I do. But it feels off.

Everything feels off. The world is irrevocably changed. That's terrifying. And yet, I hope it's true.

I applied for a dreamy job yesterday. I hope I get it. I hope I don't. I hope I write more. I hope I get to look back on these uncertain times someday as a beautiful time of growth and opportunity. In the meantime, I'm going to go to the farmers' market and repot some plants and meet up with some friends in the Park for a drink and order takeout and watch John Oliver and cry because the world is legit fucked.

the one in which she gets really serious about losing weight

Did I tell y'all how my love life is all happy and drama free? I think I forgot to mention it, because it's just so natural and easy that I don't need to write it out. So yeah, it's been about... 4 months of serious? We've been friends for about 4 years. It's great. He treats me really well and I'm really happy. Peachy!

I told you guys before how well the career and money portions of my happiness project were going. And then I got laid off. Again. That happened. SO. Career is... nonexistent. And money is... touch and go, until I figure out unemployment, which will be barely enough to pay my bills, or get a new job. I've adjusted my budget and think I'll be ok but I will definitely be living on substantially less than I have been (which is not all that much to begin with).

So I'm going to take this time to go full circle back to health. I finally joined a gym. My goal is to weigh 135 by January 1. That's a little demanding (13 lbs to go), but I think I can do it, especially with all this time on my hands. My objectives:

• work out 3-5x a week
• eschew all meat except fish for 6 days a week
• eschew all dairy except my morning coffee (2T half & half) and occasionally plain, unflavored yogurt 6 days a week
• watch my portion sizes
  
• don't drink alcohol by myself
• log all food intake and exercise on LiveStrong to hold myself more accountable
  

Once a week I will give myself a day to eat something whatever I want so A) I don't go crazy, and B) I don't plateau. And if I only get to 140 I'm not going to beat myself up.

Working on my positivity-- happy girls are the prettiest girls. Being unemployed is tricky because you have more time than money. And I'm a fairly social person so having to stay in all the time sort of wears me down. But I'm going to do what I can-- work out, watch Netflix, read, cook, and try to keep my chin up until something else comes along.

*dusts off blog*

My BFF Danael has been blogging daily, about some really personal stuff, and I think it's brave. I haven't been blogging at all, and I think it's LAZY!

I wanted you guys to know I've been WORKING on my happiness project, even though I haven't been WRITING about it. I feel like I've conquered a few things-- even if it was just dumb luck. Found a new job right before I got laid off-- how great is that? I love it. I'm debt-free, I got a severance package, AND I didn't have to go on unemployment. Not like I'm rolling in dough or anything, but I don't owe anyone any money, I got a new computer, and put a nice solid amount in my retirement fund. So I'm happy in the money arena and the career arena.

Today my new boss agreed to let me shift my office hours to 10am-6:30pm. I'll of course be able to come in earlier if I have a meeting or a pressing issue of any kind, but I think this is going to make me a much happier person, which equals a better employee! I can work out 3 days a week, "sleep in" 2 days a week, and avoid rush hour commute on either end of my day. I think it's genius! So this should help in the health arena, as well as in the general happiness arena.

Things are good over here! Always have things to work on but life is rolling along just fine. Just the way I like it.

offline.

I've had a helluva few weeks. Two really, really busy shows back-to-back, long days augmented with long evenings with several friends I haven't seen in months, came home to roommate date night, girls' night, an annual Easter Sunday bash-- WHEW! I have enjoyed every moment of my wonderful friends, but come about 9pm last night I was so oversocialized I thought I was going to rip my hair out. At our last stop last night I made a runner-- literally walked into the bar and left without sitting down or ordering a drink. I ran pell-mell for the train (and made it with about 30 seconds to spare), went straight to my glorious, empty house and was into the shower, fat pants, and a cup of hot tea within 30 minutes of being home. And this morning I did a marvelous thing.

I turned off my phone.

Just, turned it right off! This morning I had my coffee, watched a movie, read a book, ran some errands, took a long walk-- sans phone, sans headphones-- did my laundry, went to the market, and am now listening to music and making myself a lovely dinner. I didn't even take offense to the butcher who asked me if I was making a "lonely dinner" when I ordered from him. I was all, "heck no! I can't wait!!!"

I know tomorrow I'll be very pleased to see a couple of friends for an afternoon movie and dinner, respectively, but today I really needed this.

~happy!~

the power of positive communicating

So, even though this week I've been focusing on my "health" chapter, I've also been working on the general happiness. Since I'm not at work this week the radius has been small, starting around the house and in my social networking.

Example: for whatever reason, it drives my roommate CRAZY when I leave my coffee cup in the sink. I don't know why. To me it makes perfect sense to put water in it and leave it until I have breakfast later and wash all the dishes at once (we don't have a dishwasher). But he has his reasons, like we all do for little things like that; it drives him crazy and I respect that. I've just started washing it. It takes me 30 seconds and then he doesn't get frustrated and then I don't roll my eyes when I notice he's frustrated. See? Easy. Everyone's happier.

Another: it drives me crazy when he doesn't use the compost bin. He's just not comfortable with it. I understand; it's new and kind of gross. But it still bothers me that he won't use it, so I've started cleaning out his coffee pot at night before bed (yes, we have separate coffee pots). That way the grounds go in the bin where I want them and he doesn't have to deal with it. Another 30-second task and everyone wins. (On the flip side, he always sets up my coffee for me at night so all I have to do is hit the button in the AM. Very thoughtful!! Our coffee system is so positive!!!)

One of the other things that is huge... HUGE to me, as silly as it sounds, is people's negativity on Facebook. I mean, it's a social network, after all. Social. I think of it as a big group of friends talking to one another, in front of other friends. I guess people find it easier to say things behind the wall of a computer monitor than they would in person? But A) no one wants to read your status update if all you do is whine all the time, and B) picking a fight on Facebook is lame and unproductive. An example from my friend Jeff's wall (sorry it's so small, click to enlarge):

I left Jeff's name intact because he was both initially positive and gracious in his response (I hope he doesn't mind). If this was my wall my first reaction would have been to bite back.

But why, WHY do people find it necessary to respond in this manner? First of all, it was just a link that Jeff found inspirational and he shared it. If you don't like it, move on. No one is making you read it. Second of all, I'll never understand why omnivores find it somehow... offensive when people choose to not eat meat. This is not specific to omnivores vs. vegetarians; it is also religious, political, environmental, etc. But honestly, why does he care? He has to have meat at every meal? Don't eat at Cafe Gratitude. Who cares? I mean, I personally don't understand why someone would choose to say, spend $80K on an automobile, but it's not hurting me. I would never respond on someone's Facebook wall and be all "oh, that's so irresponsible with your funds and bad for the environment and plus it's really ugly and hard to park." Because in that instance, my opinion really doesn't matter, and all I would be doing is throwing negativity out into the interwebs. Probably sparking someone to retort, thus and furthering the negativity. It's just not worth it.

Happy is as happy does. As St. Therese of Lisieux said, "for the love of God and my sisters (so charitable towards me) I take care to appear happy and especially to be so."

What will you do to be positive today?

early to bed, early to rise

....make a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. That's the old adage, no? I'll give them the "healthy" part for sure.

So it's Day 2 of the HEALTH portion of my happiness project. It sounds mundane, but we're all happier when we feel better, right? I've outlined some objectives and goals for myself, hopefully realistic ones that push me a little bit without setting me up for failure. After all, this project is all about changing my life without changing my life.

People spend more time and money on losing weight than on purchasing new cars. I just made that up. But it sounds about right. But why? We want to lose weight because we think it will make us happier. And while I'm not immune to thinking that those last 5 lbs are the answer to all my problems, there are many other "healthy" things I need to be doing as well.

Step 1: sleep longer.

I know, a no-brainer, right? I, along with everyone in the world, feel like the busiest person on the planet. If I stay up just a little bit longer, I can finish my book, clean something, make hard-boiled eggs, dust, etc, etc. But forcing myself out of bed with my grumpy face on doesn't make those things worth it. I recently read a study about geniuses and violin players, and the one thing they all had in common was 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Your brain just works better. Granted, it's a lot easier when I'm home than when I'm on the road, but I figure I can get myself in the habit this week for when I go back to work next week. 11pm bedtime this week. Even if I lie down and read, not necessarily sleep right away, the goal is to be IN BED by 11pm. I like to wake up between 7:30-8 so this is a nice, vacation-amount of sleep.

Step 2: eat better.

I like food too much to be some sort of crash-dieter. Luckily for me, I like healthy food a LOT, it's just getting in the habit of eating it. This week I'm taking baby steps to better choices. I am the sort of person that eats whatever is in the house, so I filled my pantry and refrigerator with beans and vegetables and fruit and unflavored yogurt, etc. No meat or desserts or cheese for me this week. I am a HUGE fan of comfort food, but I can get that same carb-related warm fuzzy feeling from mujardara (with brown rice, lentils, and sticky, caramelized onions) as I can from a box of macaroni & cheese. I like cauliflower soup just as much as pototo. As with the sleep, it's vastly easier to do at home than it is on the road, but I can use this week to get in some better habits.

Step 3: drink less.

Now, it's almost embarrassing to talk about this, but here we are. If you're reading this you probably know me pretty well, and thus know I am not a drunk. My problem is, for whatever reason, that I have such a ridiculously high tolerance for alcohol that I tuck away WAY too many calories in liquid form. Most scientists say one drink a day is good for you, but more than that is bad for you, so I just want to cut down. First of all, no alcohol in the house. I find it terribly easy, and with absolutely no amount of tipsyness OR hangover, to polish off a bottle of wine in an evening at home. A glass while I'm cooking, a glass with dinner, a glass while I'm cleaning up, a glass while I'm watching TV. The end. What? Crazy. So no more at the house. Secondly, I'm trying to identify drinks that I SIP, rather than GULP. For example, a super-dry red wine as opposed to a fruity white one, or a vodka martini with olives as opposed to a vodka-soda. Thirdly, one glass of water between every drink. All relatively easy steps to a healthier liver (and waistline).

Step 4: excercise more.

Once again, something that is vastly easier at home than on the road. When I'm on showsite I work 12-14 hours a day. It's really hard to push myself into the gym after that, or to wake up an hour earlier to run on the treadmill. But I need to move around more. I need to force myself, at the very least, to do my 8-minute arm workout before my shower in the morning. I need to walk to work instead of taking a cab, and volunteer to "run out on the floor" more often. Sitting on my ass for 3/4 of my waking hours is not good for me. This week, at home, I have been walking, doing my arms, AND going to yoga. (side note, I am so sore I want to cry, but it's a good hurt, right?)

Step 5: floss.

No, really. My dentist is always on me for it, and it's just not that hard. Or time-consuming. Just do it, Jamie. To quote Sam Seaborn, "your teeth are the best friends you've got."

So there you have it. My really boring albeit totally necessary steps to a happier and healthier Jamie. Sleep longer, eat better, drink less, exercise more, floss. Think I can do it? Anyone have any tried-and-true tips to share with the class?

(Special thanks goes out to Candice, who patiently and faithfully listens to "what I ate yesterday" practically every morning. I feel better knowing she holds me accountable, and I don't do much that I find too embarrassing to relate.)